Latvian Au Pair: HAIR

Darling – how should I get my Latvian cut for Oliver's birthday party?

How about 'stylish yet practical'?

Mmm… Good idea.

Looming Pensions Disaster: FASTER

Ha haaa! Looming pensions disaster, you fucking twat! Come on! Looming pensions disaster!

Honestly, Mr Oliver… er: Jamie… mate. I'm legislating for these healthier school dinners as fast as I possibly can. Revving your scooter and causing a cricket outside Number 10 isn't going to help matters.

Titchmarsh and Charlie: GNARLY

Let's 'tombstone' off this cliff, Guy – it'll be Titchmarsh!

Heh. Totally frick'n Titchmarsh… watch this…

Dude. Heh. Dude… Guy? Want me to call someone? Yeah… ambulance? Cool...

Prunella Scales: TALES

Don't tell Prunellas, darling - no one likes it.

But Mum... he's pulled the head off my Advanced Literacy Barbie again.

Your father's just upset about work, darling. He's been leapfrogged for promotion by that blonde bitch he hates.

2:1 from Bristol: PISTOL

You hear me, you little punks? When my 2:1 goes off, you're gonna jump like bitches.

Could we just start the sack race please, Headmaster? The parents are staring.

Braised Lamb Shank: WANK (vulgar)

Did you happen to catch Nigella Bites on the telly last night?

Indeed I did. Treated myself to a braised lamb afterwards.

Gosh, I would…

I would until her bloody teeth rattled.

After-School Tutor: COMPUTER

Why do these tacky screens keep popping up on the after-school, David?

Hmm? I don’t know, darling. Perhaps… a virus has crawled up the broadband. That’s probably what’s happened.

Then I’ll take it into the shop tomorrow. I don’t want it erasing your novel.

No… No. I’ll put some… virus cleaner in the cables later. That gets rid of them.

Oh. Clever old you.

Heh.